Lone Star **

for near 4 months i din post any blog, is not a record though, but just feel pity cos missed a lot of blogging time while wonderful things happen in my ortho posting

after 4 months of HO life in ortho posting, i can’t say i’m good enough for a 4 months-old HO,although initially i was quite reluctant to face and dress DFU everyday,i do learnt a lot..Learnt how to CMR, learnt how to insert CVL, learnt how to insert pin, learnt how to save or prevent patient going into sepsis, learnt how to deal with acute case, learnt how to deal with dying patient, and most importantly i learnt how to become a fully functioning HO..

seriously, i used to hate ortho, tot it was boring and sucks, but somehow ortho in HSI makes me feel warm…i can’t bear to leave even until the last day of ortho posting, i still wishfully thinking that how good it can be if i have more time in ortho..the MOs and specialists there had changed my perceptions towards ortho posting, though sometimes they will throwing temper at us or kacau us until u feel like cekik them, but overall,this team are so unique in terms of treating HOs…we can borak and make jokes with MOs and specialist,sit down and eat together and gossip together w/o sensing any ranking difference..honestly, this is a heart warming team

i was really glad to have ortho posting as my first posting because i’m able to know this guys before they got irritated and numbed by batches of batches HOs..if i were being asked wat was the most unbearable things to leave ortho, this bunch of cute+funny+heart warming+HO-friendly MOs and specialist would be the answer..even the next posting is my fav medical, i just dun hv the thrill that i expected when realising i’m really leaving those guys

i used to have surgical related specialities, tat’s y i was aiming for medical initially..but after went through this posting, i kinda have some liking on surgery related specialist, i missed the feeling of incising ppl skin and now i just feel like suturing ppl around…hehe

damn, now my heart is full of sorrow until i can’t lift up my mood to joking around even in my own blogs

on the day i ended my ortho posting, thanks to Mr.Saadon, Mdm Jaya my idol, super benign Mr.Zul, Mr Aswadi, Mr.Nazlee, the cute Dr Shuk , the naughty Dr Zaini , the bawang Dr.Yusman, the funny Dr Reza, the kononnya-fierce Dr Mahathir, the comel Dr Mursyid, the nice Dr Kishore; the twins MA Izwan and Fadh, the hardworking+tera MA Salamat+Faizal+Mizi; my dear colleagues HO ihsani+su+shira+jaja+yana+sze en+shaliz+fiza+hasyim+thyng yen+daniel+raja+soma+deva+saiful; 5C+D+8B staff nurses..thanks for all the teaching so far…hope to work with them again..

last night is the night where i officially oncall post off tag period..well,is really nervous cos 2 houseman oncall still junior, no senior HO oncall..i’d been crossing my fingers since afternoon hoping no new case or no difficult patient,esp oncall with dr.zaini..i lagi hope he is in good mood..

ordeal started after pm round, chief boss suddenly appear, after a quick round tat i dun even sempat to rmb wat’s the planned, chief ask me go into OT for a hemiarthoplasty op..wow..assist chief leh~~i never even dare to imagine eh~~but in there so call assisstant is actually doing MA works la…i was been told to pull the patient leg give traction rotate here rotate there..god knows how lenguh my arms ah..mb next emergency OT list is shoulder dislocation of HO post assisting in hemiarthroplasty..

anyway,my oncall night just about to start..thanks to suhana to cover some case for me, my burden lest some a bit.Upon return to ward, kena call for review patient la,patient already restless,call MO,he said call other MO…then when i call surg MO pulak, he questionned my ability pulak…fine~~u guys more senior,i dun wan to fight with u~~

finally i tot i can have my little try on CVL, our dear abang zaini ask to do post op round=_=”..so tired~~~but wat’s nice bout abang zaini is he actually let me do a tendon repair case o,it’s my first time ever doing minor op on patient eh~~^O^,he guided me nicely but sarcasticly..ok..i shouldn’t complaint tat much

after finish the tendon repair, finally he’s going to start insert CVL,which is quite an invasive procedure..i request to do,and manage to find the subclavian vein~~wow,when the moment the blood gushed out,i was like..so shiok~~~haha…

k..in summary, last night was a nice call,even though i only manage to catch 3 hours sleeps, but is so full of satisfactory..haha…i start to enjoy my HO life dy~~

today is the first day we officially report to hospital as house officer..well, nothing much on the morning except we spent less than 10 minutes in jabatan kesihatan negeri for a simple form..then we headed to the hospital that i’m going to invest my future 2 years of youth in—hospital sultan ismail…

first impression,it was very brand new and nice with modern design..okok…first impression already give good marks…next impression was cool…literally!!!the air con there was so full blown until i was near to shiver..sigh..if geok lian and wei siong got posted here, sure will bising about environment thingy…

well..we spent the whole morning in the admin office to fill mountains of forms..after that overwhelming of formSS filling session, i’m now so sick of writing my jawatan and address-_-”

anyway we manage to meet the pengarah in the evening..she just sway her hand gracefully, and so our future in 4 months had been decided short and simple..we got posted in orthopedic and O&G, 4 each.i got ortho..

well..i so innocent and naively tot that we can actually get 2 days off because of the weekend, well apparently they are so welcoming our presence till the extended we got tagging the next day!!! O&G tagged for 3 weeks everyday, ortho even though tagged 3 weeks EOD (every other day), but is 24 hour tagging…OMG, i was down to tears at that moment..first day ended up with a short and inofficial evening round..but tat alone make me feel so tired..sigh,wat happen to my stamina i used to proud of??? y we need to get tag on the 2nd day?i guess my hospital is the earliest to tag their house officer …T_T

p/s: i guess i was too pampered for the past 2 1/2 months~~~

i was suppose to write this earlier, in order to jot down the exciting moment when first being called Dr. by the others and even recieve my first letter entitled to Dr.Chong Shu Juen, but it just seems that is my nature be lazy only today i start typing..haha…anyway, hope i won’t bring my laziness to my work..

few weeks ago i recieve a letter form Malaysia Medical Council entitled to Dr. Chong Shu Juen for some documentation..hoho..i was so excited, not only because of finally had some news after my long holiday but also saw the title of my name…is not that i study medicine to pursue for that title to appear in front of my name, is just that after being 5 years of humblemedical students, i was so excited to recognise the fact that i finally can become a doctor…if were to say the first moment was during results day, this was the 2nd moment…

the 3rd moment happened when i went to klinik kesihatan few weeks ago to do medical checkup, well, masai is a small kampung area wat, ppl there are friendly, more over nurses there…i din mean to “expose” my “identity”, but they somehow manage to find out through my form..hoho…since then always address me as doctor, even tou i’d been telling that i not yet start working yet, but tat moment..to be honest, i do really feel the satisfaction and the motivation to start working at once..

the 4th moment happens in today..today we had a photo session, after the picture shooting we were given a small piece of paper and asked to write down our name…so reflexly i wrote down “Chong Shu Juen”..well,actually we was suppose to write down our title “Dr.” in front la..but most of us just wrote down our own name…well, obviously we were so used to be that humble medical student, until now still not used to add the title in front..

anyway…finally grad from med school, next step is becoming a house officer…

before that, i just want to clarify i din mean to kick a fuss or targeting to um or stpm students, i myself also have a lot of stpm and um good frens, is just tat this stupid reader really~~~~sigh…

i had a bad monday morning, nothing bad happen but my whole good-monday-morning mood had been spoilted by a stupid-irresponsible-anencephaloid commenting letter from a newspaper reader,till the extend i have the urge to write an reply letter immediately to the editor, unfortunately i can’t find the address, tat’s y i’m venting all my indignanty here..

the thing happen when there is a comment letter titled bout future doctors’ quality are a worrisome”…this genious reader derived this conclusion based on the facts that 7 chinese final med stud in UM failed their professional exams, and related it to the 128 incidents (most 4.0 stud failed to get into med sch) 4 years ago, anyway, the reader was suprised as in um history seldom chinese stud failed (yeah right, as if others uni med sch got a lot chinese stud fail~~~wth!!!) implys that gov priortise matriculations students which he thinks the quality is worse than stpm students, tat’s y result in 7 chinese med stud failed this year professional exams, and from there he think current and future doctors quality are a worrisome bcos most of them come from matriculations~~~~~-_-”

fellows, i dunno how u guys feel but i really feel indignant for our matriculations and ukm graduans…

firstly, for those who failed professional exam, does it really mean ALL of them are lack of knowledge?some ppl dunno the tension we faced during professional exams and just think is as simple as a piece of cake, those tension are big enough to give post traumatic stress disorder to us, is unfair to label those repeaters as poor knowledge as mental fitness also part of the games…

2ndly, wat’s wrong about our matriculation background?i admitted that matriculation is really easier than stpm, but does it mean matriculation graduans are incapable of study medicine?matriculation studs are not hardworking? matriculation dun fit to get cgpa of 4.0????came from matriculation means we are destined lower ranked than stpm students just bcos matriculation are easier to get 4.0 hence we are anecephaly???????

3rdly, for so long ukm med fac had strived, in the view of public (chinese society especially), UKM med school are still 2nd hand med sch, how many ppl will really pay attention to the ukm med sch? this yr 7 chinese med stud alone had raised attention from public, anyone knows last yr ukm professional exams had 12 chinese seniors failed and most of them are “distinction-liked” knowledgable seniors? but nobody pays attention to ukm, as if no matter how briliant u r, as long as u come from ukm med sch, u r still low ranked…i feel so sorry, until now general still uphold UM as the top, when u’d been ask which sch do u come from,if the answer is UM, the reaction will be:”wow, u r superb, is prestigious sch man!!!”….if ukm, is was like “o…ok”,end of a story..is quite sad actually chinese society still dun recognise UKM, pls guys..ukm is not university kampung anymore, we still got a lot of well-known doctors in ukm…

anyway, public has their right to raise their suspicion, but to this reader, pls get ur facts right before u comment anything, dun sounds that u are very authorative and sure about these things while u r absoltely wrong, dude!!!!!!

seriously i’m really lazy to write another blog bcos my english and creativity is way too lousy to write an interesting article, ok..i admit i dozed off while reading my own blog..but is kinda waste for not recording down this trip which can be consider graduation trip for uni gua..although only near 1/5 of chinese coursemate were there…

this trip actually weird also..all together 12 ppl go there at different place and different time in batches–well,to be exact,i travel there alone, but is nice and free, has its own beauty(would like to try another time next time…hoho)..well,back to the story..

1st day:   i spent the first day alone..upon reaching airport,everything manage by myself (proud o..wahaha)..met melissa my sis,and had my whole evening in 1 borneo which is a new shopping mall designed like mid valley..well,seriously i was impresses…………..by the aircon!!! it is SUPER FREAKING COLD MAN!!!!!  then went to visit bro jinrong’s music school..really take my hats off to him,for having such ambition and motivations to hold up a music school like this…anyway got to play piano at there..haha..hands itchy ma…(my organ broke dy~~~T_T)..

2nd day: wanted to have some moment with susie,yin yieng and hui peng, went to 6 star hotel karanbunai with them..have some really nice and TIRED shots at there..well,last time to being crazy with them le..guess going to miss those moments…then went to eat kelapa and lokam bakar…is nice~~especially the coconut pudding…evening had dinner with bro jinrong and melissa at a really nice korean restaurant leh, then continue at a cozy lounge..i start to fall in love with lounge and cocktails la…omg..turning into wu shin yin(just kid)..wahaha=P

3rd day: went to pulau mamuntik alone…well,can’t really say is beautiful(manukan still the best^^), but is not bad too..well,mb bcos i met nice life guard to bring me to see a lot of thing,we went beyonds the rocks o..so adventure..wahaha..being alone got it’s own beauty and carefree..i felt so enjoy for listening my mp3 and sat under the shade, enjoy the view and wind breeze for one and a half hour without being bored..is amazing~~

4th day: we rented a boat to do illegal things (shh~~~~=p)..well,actually only the boatman pakcik imran help us take those sea urchin out of sea lor..wat we did was only eat..wahaha…k la..bo chuan the chef help us clean up the sea urchin n sotong n fish..hmm..talking bout the fish, natalie actually bought the parrot fish and bright yellow fish (we can actually see them in snorkeling), parrot fish named ikan augus,so we named the yellow fish as ikan september..wahaha..(ok…can ignore me,i’m going high)..then we continue snorkeling at manukan…wave tat time damn big,i nearly can’t swim back.T_T. but i still love how swarm of fish swim around u..nicee~~

5th day:   went to rafting..honestly speaking, the river is not tat exciting per se..wat is fun about this trip is the interaction between us and our cute tour guide…cos he keeps sabotage us,pushing all of us into water…end up the whole journey he push us and we try our bery best to push him(cos he is too pro man~~~)..haha..in the end, we are the craziest among the four groups..but is fun..really..i miss the moment~~

6th day: …ok,i’m getting tired..cut in short…morning we went to zoo..yes, dun doubt what u had seen,yes is zoo..unbelievable right?me too~~~anyway,saw some rare animals (not rare actually la,just me being very suaku~~), wat is fun is the animal show,those well trained animal really impressing lor..at the end,the urang utan marsha suddenly went berserk, grap the poor parrot and throw it away..shinyin sure got shocked as she was standing beside tat poor parrot~~kkk..noon went back to the nostalgic damai had the ban mee,then head towards waterfront to have my sunset (finally~~is my obsession to watch sunset once in sabah)..gosh,luckily tat day dun hv much cloud, i manage to see the “egg-yolk” like sun setting towars horizon..really beautiful…hmm..my night time had a long chat with bro jinrong at jesselon port..din meet him for really long times, din expect we still like young times tat close,chat a lot with him, know a different side of him in this trip,but overall is nice to hv this bro back in my life~~

kk…i’m really tired..here goes my longest blog ever~~

20th Mac,everybody finally had their last exam as medical students..regardless of wat kind of stupid things we had done or wat are we going to be for the next few months,finally we are able to relax and doing nothing..it feels DAMN good!!!

according to random sampling interview:these are the few things happen post-exam:

1) Post-traumatic stress d/o-flash back in forms of nightmares,when thought back still very agitated and palpitation

2) insomnia->80% still unable to sleep well+hyperarousable on the night finish exam~~~

3) still very psycholy assess every passerby gaits..mental state..developmental assessment~~~

4) avolition(loss of motivation)—hmm..i heard few ppl say no target(temporary), dunno wat to do in post exam free period..

~~~~anyway,due to limited sample size,the result is yet to be significant..any volunteer wants to contribute any data?wahaha~~~

btw…last night we had our last annual dinner in faculty,few professors came and took photo with them..but wat really fun is everybody take shot with each others like crazy..well..as usual i’m poor in description..unable to describe how high the atmosphere back there,but certainly this will become a good memory deep in my heart,can flash back occasionally to revise the sweets memories n remind me of the bunches of interesting friends when i was a studen=)

shin yin asked me whether i got new post for my blog,i said no..

well, those memoirs or diary stuff never been my style, i don’t have the habit to keep my feelings or events in records, basically i don’t know what to write..feel lazy to talk about study anymore..for the past 5 years in uni,most of the blog are related to study and exams..tat’s awful..

going to grad soon..somebody asked me whether i’m happy to be graduated,seriously i was stunned for a moment, i don’t know what’s the answer..i’m happy, after all i’m able to fulfill my social functions after being years of free-loader, i’ll be granted responsibility to patients, applying what i’d been trained for the past 5 years..of course is exciting..at the same time i know i’m going to miss my student life here..though i always complaint being a medical students we’re kinda deprived of “drama description” of campus life..i missed bunch of frens here, i missed the event we had together like shopping, travelling, birthday parties, drinking session in  aland’s room(wahaha..=p)..i wonder after working,would i still able to stay innocent as i’m now, wonder able to find real frens later on..

anyway,still hoping to be graduated..wouldn’t want to be left alone by you guys here..=p,if going to seperate no matter how,might as well we seperate together in graduation..gambate guys..hope to meet in convo~~~

p/s:wonder whether i will cry at the last dayT_T

Time always flew fast during happy moments, but why do i feel Time flew in the speed of light, even though i can’t really use happy to describe the past few months..? going to hv our 2nd end posting exam soon, i.e. we are in our final yr for nearly 5 months, i.e to my verdict time (professional exam) still left 7 months, i.e…argh!!!! impending stroke if the calculation continues…

just found out another primary school fren of mine bcam mummy (congrats,yihui =)), made me ponder a lot. Looking back my footstep, what did i actually achieved in the age of 2X (sorry, secret..hoho =p) except for medical knowledge? i’m really lost, stripped of the medical knowledge which is actually i’m not really master in it, i wonder is there anything left for me to be proud of? It is so pathetic the fact that there is nothing else to prove my existance, my growth and changes except for the professional exam in the past 5 yrs i spend in university.

Although there is no such checklist or criteria to judge whether i’d successful gone throught the adulthood trantitional stage (gosh, i’m incorrigible for my “skematism”…-_-”), i still feel there is something lack inside of me that made me an true adult. Honestly sometime i do think i’m still a kid, so immature, so wildful, compare to my peers who had deeper thought, i’m as superficial as stratum corneum of the skin to bone marrow…that’s so distressing. few years more down the line, most of my peers already fulfilling their biology and social responsibilities, by that time, where will i be? beside bcoming a doctor who is so humble and outsider thinks is so noble, how should i define myself?

我哭了挺多次了，多数是被戏里那些感人的亲情所感动，有时也是因为伤心难过而眼浅，偶尔因为受了委屈或窝囊气而哭。。。可印象中鲜少是因为脆弱而哭。平时自认为挺坚强的，在人面前从不允许自己哭，就算是想哭也只是自个儿躲起来压抑的哭。就这样凭着十几年的功力，以为变得坚强点儿了，笑话。。。比较像是好强吧。。。

发现自己原来跟普通女人一样脆弱，承受不住压力时还真容易崩溃，这样的我同被我鄙视的那些温室花有何不同？抗压性越来越低，精神力越来越大不如前，到底问题出在了哪里？是我本身太脆弱？是我太过执着于完美的坚强形象而不愿承认哭也是种抒发管道？还是我忧郁的过火了？

好累。。好脆弱。。好象苦。。。